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Thanks to the rapid advances in the field of medicine,
more and more people live to a ripe old age, it
is increasingly likely that you will be taking care
of older relatives at home. While this has always
been a traditional practice in the joint Indian
family, caregiving can prove to be quite a burden
in the modern Indian city. Caregiving refers to
a wide range of involvement - everything, from checking
in on your relatives every day at their places of
residence to providing round-the-clock care for
your parents in your own home.
Entering into a caregiving relationship offers a
valuable chance to reconnect with someone for whom
you care deeply. But as this person ages and becomes
more infirm and demanding with each passing day
the relationship can become increasingly stressful
and, at times, acrimonious. Also, ambivalent or
unhappy feelings from the past can re-emerge and
cause pain and bitterness, unless you work through
them positively.
If you're trying to shoulder the burden all alone,
the frustrations may overwhelm you. An amicable
situation can turn sour and, in some cases, mistreatment
or abuse of the older person could be the tragic
result. As testimony to this disquieting but indisputable
reality, the media is reporting more and more cases
of abuse and neglect of the elderly in India. Many
parents have even been forced to commit suicide
when they have got fed up of the ill-treatment they
have received.
To sidestep an unpleasant situation and to ensure
that you handle caregiving as successfully as possible,
you should go in for a little thought, education
and preplanning.
To start with, hold a family session when your parents
are well. Talk about the future, and what they would
like you to do for them in case they fall stick.
Involve your brothers and sisters in the discussion
and hold it in a positive atmosphere. Although talking
about old age and impending debility can be uncomfortable,
and disconcerting, this could be the most positive
approach in the long run.
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Consider covering the following
areas:
- Division of labour:
Decide who will do what - in an unambiguous
manner - when your parents need help. If one
relative lives close by and decides to be the
primary caregiver, it's crucial that the other
siblings play a supportive role. One should
also find answers to the following important
queries: Who will give the primary caregiver
a break when he or she needs it? Who will help
financially? Who will lend a sympathetic ear
when the primary caregiver feels overwhelmed?
- Money: To plan
for the years ahead, you should know your parents'
financial resources. Such information helps
you avoid the pitfalls of arranging for your
parents to live beyond or below their means.
If you're the main caregiver, decide well ahead
of time if you want financial compensation for
your efforts. This attitude might seem very
commercial , but may actually help in the long
run!
- Insurance:
Make sure your parents have taken adequate medical
insurance to cover their medical expenses.
- Living will:
This document puts into writing what medical
measures your family member does and doesn't
want to be taken in the event of a terminal
illness or condition.
- Power of attorney:
This legal document allows a designated person
to make specified legal and financial decisions
if your parent or elderly relative becomes unable
to manage his or her affairs.
Try to make your caregiving relationship as positive
as possible, while, at the same time, being realistic.
The relationship you had with your parent as a child
doesn't disappear, and if you had a friendly, easygoing
rapport with your mother or father when you were
younger, it's likely to continue. However, if the
relationship was subject to stresses, they may re-emerge.
Also remember that prominent personality traits
tend to become exaggerated as both of you grow older.
Caring for an older adult is very different from
caring for a child. With the passage of time older
persons become more dependent on others, not less.
On some days, the experience may feel like an emotional
roller-coaster ride: you quickly move from pity
and guilt to love and on to anger and frustration.
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The following suggestions
can help make you a better and more considerate
caregiver:
- Encourage independence:
If it takes your father 10 minutes to button
his shirt, so be it. The 'I'll-do-it-for-you'
attitude leads to work overload (for you) as
well as increasing dependence and low self-esteem
on the older person's part.
- Set limits:
A highly dependent parent can be demanding.
You should know your limits and learn how to
refuse requests politely but firmly. You could
say: 'No, I'm too tired to go to the store today.
We'll go tomorrow.' A failure on this count
can lead to resentment and a feeling of being
ill-treated on the part of the caregiver.
- Make time for fun:
Break the routine occasionally by inviting friends
and other family members over to watch a funny
movie or play cards. A little laughter and a
bit of socialising can lift everyone's spirits.
- Encourage your parents
to remain active: Also, motivate them
to take part in community activities so that
they have additional sources of support, and
are not totally dependent on you.
- Share the care:
When your friends or relatives offer to help,
accept it gladly and gratefully.
- Take a break:
This aspect is critical. You could risk your
own health if you persevere for long periods
without a break. Get someone to fill in for
you as often and as long as needed.
- Cancel guilt trips:
You're bound to experience anger and frustration,
but don't let these feelings make you feel guilty,
they are normal. Your parents most probably
felt the same way about you when you used to
give them a hard time as a child !
- Stay active:
Even though you may feel limited as far as time
and freedom are concerned, do your best to keep
your interests in a club or hobby alive. These
activities will continue to enrich your life
when your caregiving responsibilities are over.
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Being a caregiver does not mean that you have to
give up your own rights! The following are included
in a Caregiver's Bill of Rights, as formulated by
Dr. Virginia Flagg.
A caregiver has the right
to:
- Honest communication with the patient, his/her
friends, family, and other caregivers.
- Express opinions and suggestions when appropriate.
- Expect the patient to make as many decisions
and put affairs in order as much as possible.
- Make reasonable requests of the patient.
- Take care of his/her own needs without guilt.
- Express emotions in front of the patient.
- Acknowledge his/her limitations and obtain
assistance from outside resources.
- Continue maintaining relationships and activities
outside the caregiving role.
- Not take responsibility for decisions and
actions made by the patient.
With pragmatic planning, acquiring help from others
and adhering to a commitment to devote time to yourself,
you can emerge as a successful and happy caregiver.
And don't forget that you'll be setting an example
for your children, so that when it's time for them
to take care of you when you become old, they'll
do a good job too !
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