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It’s true that being a physician is hard – but
often being married to a physician is even harder ! Many doctors
acquire personality traits such as perfectionism, compulsiveness,
and workaholism which help them provide better care to their
patients, but end up making them problematic spouses. They
expect to be in “control” all the time; and since
they are so used to their patients putting them on a pedestal,
they expect their spouses to do the same too – so that
they can be quite impossible to live with. Many take pride
in being married to the profession, as a result of which they
spend little time and energy in nurturing their spouse or
cultivating intimacy. Most of their friends are other doctors
, and usually they end up talking shop when they “socialize”
, as a result of which the wife is often left out in the cold.
Unreasonable hours and being on call at all times are part
of the doctor’s job description – and the spouse
has to put up with these. To add insult to injury, rather
than being admired and appreciated for having to put up with
such a difficult husband, she is considered to be lucky because
she is married to a doctor. Society expects her to be a martyr
and to sacrifice her personal happiness in order to keep her
husband happy. Playing second fiddle is not so bad in the
honeymoon years, when some of the glamour of being a respected
doctor rubs off on to the spouse. However, when the novelty
wears off, many spouses chafe as being treated as second class
citizens. They never have an opportunity to develop their
own independent identity, and many remain just “ Dr
X’s wife” . While some play this role successfully
by becoming the manager of their husband’s practice,
others end up feeling stifled and suffocated.
Many spouses cannot understand why their husbands who are
so understanding, caring , and thoughtful towards their patients
in the clinic become so thoughtless when they reach home .
Many doctors literally enact the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr
Hyde when they move from their clinic to their house daily
!
Often it’s upto the non-medical spouse to shoulder the
burden of keeping the marriage together, and because she is
often the junior partner, doing so can be hard for her –
she bears the responsibility, without having the authority
to make the needed changes. The medical spouse will often
retreat into his work, and to keep the façade of a
happy marriage intact, the wife will often have to sacrifice
her own interests and desires. In order for your spouse to
be happy spouse, she first needs to be happy herself as an
individual - people who are unhappy can never create a happy
marriage. www.medicalspouse.org
has a lot of information which can help you help your spouse
cope better with being married to a doctor.
Just like an unhappy marriage can create an enormous amount
of stress which can poison every part of your life, a happy
marriage can add a phenomenal amount of bliss to everything
you do ! Is there a prescription to keeping your marriage
healthy and happy ? The truth is that most of what you need
to do to keep your spouse happy is based on simple common
sense – spend time together; respect each other; have
fun together. Even simple things like just phoning to say
you are thinking of her can go a long way. However, even though
most of us know all this ( and in fact, dispense this advise
to our patients on a daily basis), we are not very good at
putting this into practice in our own lives.
Men are often responsible for not providing their fair share
of input towards making a marriage work. It is true that men
are from Mars, and women are from Venus; and you need to learn
to see things from each other’s point of view. Remember
that a marriage is a dance – you are both equal partners,
but your partner can dance only as well as you let her. If
you have an understanding spouse, count your blessings –
but you can’t keep on taking advantage of her . Women
will often spend a lot of energy on cementing the relationship
so you can grow together, but you need to reciprocate for
this to work well. While it can be hard to juggle career,
work, marriage, and family, it’s helpful to remember
that your marriage should be your first priority. If you don’t
go to work, someone else will fill in for you – but
if you don’t look after your wife, there is no one else
who can do so ! A happy marriage is vitally important for
your children because it provides them with happy memories
for the future and lays the foundation for an emotionally
secure adulthood. A bad marriage can ruin not only your career,
but your happiness - and your children’s happiness as
well.
Incidentally, by making your marriage your first priority,
you will not be sacrificing your career. Ironically, you will
end up doing even better at work ! A good marriage can help
you become a better doctor – a happy personal life will
help you perform far better in your professional life. Both
of these are closely linked together, and it’s stupid
to try to compartmentalise them. Few things feel as good as
marital harmony, and people who live in a supportive and loving
marriage thrive . Increasing intimacy in your life may be
the best way of ensuring your health, productivity and happiness.
Making your marriage work can be the best thing you ever do
– the rewards will far outweigh the effort. Being a
doctor can be demanding , and the positive energy of a committed
marital relationship can help you perform even better !.
A marriage needs to grow as you grow, and as you mature, you
need to nurture it. Most marriages move through the following
stages.
Stage 1 Romance You're perfect"
Stage 2 Fault Finding ""You're flawed"
Stage 3 Blaming" You do it to me"
Stage 4 Acceptance "You just do it"
Stage 5 Transformation "We grow together"
Many couples get stuck in stages 2 and 3, and so much hurt
and damage can occur in these stages that many married couples
decide to divorce, while others either withdraw from one another
and live in a politely superficial way, leading lives of quiet
desperation; or they continue to fault-find and blame and
may verbally attack each other for decades.
Some couples naively believe that if they have managed to
stay married for 10 years, their marriage is stable. This
is not true. You still need to continue working at it, otherwise
you may grow away from each other . The second half of marriage
can be a time of renewal – a time to renew your teamwork,
your friendship and your romance, so you become one of those
“wise couples” whom younger people secretly aspire
to emulate. If you know such couples, observe them and learn
from them – they have much to teach !
All marriages have their ups and downs, and conflict is a
given in every marriage, However, divorce is often the worst
solution. Not only doesn’t it solve anything, it often
makes matters worse , leaving behind a lot of bitterness,
for both the partners, as well as the children. Learning how
to deal with conflict as in integral part of your marriage
. Work to create an “us versus the problem” attitude
rather than a “me versus you” mentality. Remember
that healthy negotiation can solve most problems – after
all, you are both on the same side ! The rules are simple:
listen; validate your spouse’s perception; show that
you care; focus on the problem; don’t rake up the past;
emphasise where you agree; and learn how to say “sorry”.
Nothing feels worse than not getting along with your spouse
– all the money in the world is not worth having an
unhappy
mate ! Use your resources to save your time and energy, so
that this can be used to spend time with each other and your
family. Remember, you are intelligent people - create a support
system to simplify your life so you can beat stress together.
There are some common issues which often threaten to break
up a marriage. These include: money and financial arguments;
infidelity and affairs (doctors have many opportunities to
succumb to temptation !); boredom and staleness; career crises
;
children – especially when they grow up and leave home
( empty nest syndrome); and retirement, because doctors often
have no clue what to do with themselves when they are not
working. It’s helpful to be aware of these stressors,
so you can take appropriate action at these times to bolster
your marriage.
Medical marriages in India are often exposed to more stress
than those elsewhere. For one, many marriages are “arranged”
and a doctor is considered to be a prized catch , which means
the spouse is forced to look upto him right from the night
of the suhaag
raat ! Not only can this be a pain in the neck, a marriage
between unequals is doomed right from the start. Moreover,
since the joint family system is still common, this often
leads to increased pressures on the non-medical spouse, because
she is supposed to adjust to her husband’s demands.
Also, since divorce is still not considered to be a socially
acceptable alternative, many marriages continue to be quietly
and desperately unhappy.
Making a marriage work well can be an uphill task for all
couples – but it can be especially hard when both are
doctors. At first glance, a doctor-doctor match sounds ideal
because both understand the long hours and the stresses of
medical practice; they speak each other's language and the
spouse is a respected colleague who's always on hand for consultation.
However, doctor-doctor marriages are not a bed of roses. Tightly
packed schedules allow little time to deal with family commitments;
and because both are so busy fulfilling work pressures, there’s
little time for husband and wife to be alone together, and
they may end up growing apart.
Marriage, just like a medical career, requires a serious commitment
to succeed. If you fail to invest the necessary time, problems
are bound to arise. Unfortunately, time is one thing physicians
don't have a lot of, which explains why conflict in medical
marriages is so common. The simplest advise is to treat your
spouse as your most important VIP patient ! Do this for purely
selfish reasons – a loved spouse is also a loving spouse,
and will take much better care of you . It will be the best
investment of time and energy you can ever make !
The wise words of Kahlil Gibran are worth remembering.
“ You were born together, and together you shall be
forevermore.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. “
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