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30-Parenting –
bringing up the next generation
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"There are
only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our
children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.
"
- Hodding Carter. |
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Being a parent is the world’s toughest job, and being
a doctor can be very challenging as well, which means that
trying to combine both can be overwhelming for most of us
! One would expect doctors to be good parents, because they
are intelligent, educated, and know enough about pediatrics
and psychology, to be able to bring up children well. The
sad reality, however, is that the children of most doctors
are quite unhappy with their parents, and their commonest
complaint is that their doctor-parents have very little time
for them.
Why is it so hard for doctors to be good parents ? Aren’t
they smart enough to know that their children are their most
important investment ? The fact is that the pressures of trying
to balance both family commitments and work pressures are
enormous. While many doctors do a bad job at parenting, the
difficulties are even greater when both parents are doctors
!
The personality traits that make for good physicians—self-discipline,
sacrifice, ambition, and a certain amount of obsessiveness—can't
help but influence a doctor's parenting style. Doctors are
rugged individualists who are used to toughing it out, and
they don't usually ask for help, which means they often don’t
deal very well with the perplexities of family life. They
are used to knowing what to do, and to even advising their
patients as to how to bring up their own children; but they
are completely flummoxed when it comes to the real-life problems
presented by their own children ! They don’t know how
to ask for help – or what to do with it, when it is
given. This often ends up making a bad situation worse, as
the rift between parent and child widens.
Because medicine is a caretaking field, doctors would be expected
to make caring, concerned parents. However, many are so obsessed
with being the best is their field, that even though they
want the best for their children, work and home frequently
pull them in opposite directions. Women doctors have a much
worse time of it. While men can delegate parenting to their
spouse, mothering is still a full-time job, whether or not
you are a doctor ! Women doctors have to be super-women to
try to juggle the pressures of both parenting and their profession
– and they often end up messing up both ! Since they
are usually perfectionists, they find that striking the right
balance between work and home is not always easy. In fact,
many compromise and take a specialty such as dermatology,
psychiatry or pathology, because this is less time-intensive
and allows them more time to accommodate to their family priorities.
Not having enough time to spend with their kids is by far
the commonest complaint of most doctors. Medicine idealizes
being busy, which means that if you want to spend time with
your kids, you have to limit how much you work, which undermines
your professional stature. Many doctors will sensibly decide
that while there are other doctors who do what they do, they
will never get another chance at raising children –
after all, you are the only mother your children have ! After
time constraints, the second biggest problem physicians cite
about raising children is discipline. The two, not surprisingly,
are related. If you cannot spend enough time with your children,
they are not likely to listen to what you tell them to do.
You cannot dictate to children the way one dictates to patients,
because the process of negotiating with children is extremely
time-consuming.
Sadly, it’s not only the children who are hurt by this
lack of togetherness . Doctors are very conscious about the
important role parents play in their children’s lives,
and when they find they cannot devote the time and energy
their children need, they often end up bearing a huge burden
of guilt, which complicates matters even more ! They try to
expiate this by giving their children all the toys and luxury
and pocket money they want – which makes matters even
worse because their kids then exploit this guilt, by asking
for more and more . As one doctor put it, the problem is "affluenza—my
children expecting too much."
Some perfectionist physicians give themselves failing grades
as parents: "I don't feel I'm very good at it,"
or "I wasn't brave enough," or "Whatever you
do is not enough." However, there is no doubt that being
a parent can be one of the most rewarding achievements of
your life. Some of the joys of parenthood as described by
physicians are: "Being able to love someone more than
I could have imagined." "Seeing life through their
eyes, and learning from their innocence." "Having
grandchildren!" Children also gratify egos – they
love you unconditionally, like no one else ever will.
So what can you do to become a better parent ? Make every
effort to attend all your child's special events. Sending
a substitute, like a spouse, doesn't work – you cannot
outsource this job ! . You are important to your child, and
when you are physically with your child, be there emotionally
as well ( remember to switch off the mobile !). Take up a
game together with your children, such as tennis . This will
allow you to spend time together, and both of you can look
forward to this “quality” time – especially
if he starts beating you as he grows older. This will allow
the family to keep physically fit as well; and allow emotional
bonding too ! Make sure you spend at least one holiday every
year together. Don’t forget the extended family. Make
sure your children meet their grandparents, cousins, uncles
and aunts ; and participate in family events, such as marriages
and get-togethers – this can give them strong roots,
which will help them for the future. Help them to honour family
traditions after explaining to them why they are important.
A simple thing you can do on a daily basis is to eat a meal
together every day; and make a weekly appointment for having
fun ( dinner and a movie if you want to keep things simple)
with the whole family. A common mistake many doctors make
is to over-emphasise the importance of academic achievements.
The important thing is to find the area in which your child
shines, and give him as many opportunities as possible to
excel in this !
Just like you can help your child, don’t forget there
is a lot your children can contribute to your growth and wellbeing
too ! Your children can broaden your horizons and teach you
new stuff , keeping you young and alert ! Take pride in their
achievements – and set up rituals such as bedtime stories
, which help to create family bonds. While bringing up a second
child is a lot easier because of all the experience you’ve
gained from bringing up the first one, sibling rivalry can
add a new layer of complexity to family building !
Should your child become a doctor too ? The decision whether
to become a doctor like Mom or Dad can be a soul-searching
experience for both generations. Many children need to rebel
when they become teenagers, to demonstrate their own independence,
which is why many will deliberately choose not to follow in
their father’s footsteps. Others see the toll which
being a doctor can take on an individual’s lifestyle.
They feel sorry that their father has such little spare time
for himself and for his family, and do not want to repeat
the same mistake and fall into the same rut when they start
their own family ! On the other hand, many doctor’s
children are pushed into becoming doctors. Physicians often
want their children to become doctors, because they have an
established practice, which they can hand over to them. They
also feel they can provide useful career guidance; and their
contacts would help give their children a flying start in
the medical profession. However, many of these children often
end up as unhappy misfits, disappointing themselves and their
parents as well, and making a mess of their lives. Others
are propelled into medicine because they find the work their
father does is fascinating, and would love to follow in his
footsteps. Many children are profoundly influenced by their
father's love of medicine and his empathy for patients. When
a parent is a proud physician, the pressure to carry on the
family tradition can be intense, and some doctors will take
their children on hospital rounds; and even into the operation
theater, where they hold retractors during surgery. The important
thing is to let your children make up their own minds. Any
doctor’s child who wants to become a doctor just because
he cannot think of alternatives displays a complete lack of
imagination.
Medicine is a career which is worth pursuing only if your
children want to . They should go into it for their own reasons,
because there's a lot they'd have to give up. The best advise
is to tell your children - do what excites you, whatever that
may be. Given the pressures and stresses of modern medicine,
many doctors are now actually discouraging their children
from entering medicine. But many doctor’s children do
pursue medicine , despite managed care woes, government regulatory
hassles, and malpractice threats. Theirinspiration is often
their physician-parents, who serve as such strong role models
that their kids yearn to be just like them - after all, there
will always be room for a good doctor ! As a doctor’s
child, who is a doctor herself says, “ Growing up with
two parents who are doctors, and seeing how much joy they
derived from their work, I eventually came to realize that
in no other profession could I reap so much happiness, because
of the positive impact I could have on other people's lives.”
Society needs to realize the important role parenting has
in doctors’ lives. We can start providing newer options,
such as tele-medicine; part-time jobs; or job-sharing, which
will allow doctors to both do a good job professionally, without
taking them away from their children. A happy doctor at home
is a happy doctor at work – and we should stop looking
down at doctors who wish to work part-time so that they can
spend more time with their children as being unprofessional
or unmotivated. Our children are our most valuable investment,
and our most important contribution to the future.
The sad truth is that children do not remain children for
very long. They grow up and grow away too soon, so make the
most of them while you can ! Savor these years – they
won’t come back again. Take good care of your children
now – they will take good care of you as you grow older.
Kahlil Gibran put it best when he said, “ Your children
are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of
Life's longing for itself. You may give them your love but
not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may
house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell
in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even
in your dreams.”
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